Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
