my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
last night I used snow as a chaser
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