They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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