I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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