dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize