Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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