I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
