I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
