she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
