I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
