I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
