sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
