I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
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WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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