I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
