It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
