Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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