come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
