I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
