my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
