i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
