I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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