so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Randomize
