we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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