I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
