I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
