he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
