Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
