I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You may now shotgun with the bride
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
