Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
