fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
