When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
