My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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