is wine microwaveable?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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