I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
