Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Randomize
