Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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