dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
