I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
