Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
