The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
