it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
