its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Shame is for Republicans.
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