watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
