She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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