I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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