My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
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