Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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