This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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