Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
