I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
ok first of all what the fuck
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
