if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
