I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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