Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
