my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
