MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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