It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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